[but all i want - is for you to SHINE - SHINE down on me - SHINE on this life - that's burning out]

I say a lot of things sometimes that don't come out right. (18)


 


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The Obligatory Public Post. 03:00 (p). 09.30th.2019



Mood: paranoid
Music: Bic Runga - Counting The Days



This journal is now friends-only. Comment here to be added.

3 bright rays of sunlight|shine on me



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03:00 (p). 07.9th.2009

Brain eaten by kittens. Jumping every time Trillian makes the "somebody has signed on in the past two seconds" sound. Let my yogurt get warm and now it's nasty. Finally burned my Drowning Pool to a CD.



Thunder rolling in.




The temptation to say "fuck it" and go play Kingdom Hearts and eat ice cream is strong.

shine on me



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DEAR YULETIDE AUTHOR 10:20 (p). 10.26th.2007

PRZ NOT TO BE READING UNLESS YOU ARE MAH YULETIDE AUTHOR )

I hope that answers any questions you may have had! I also hope that wasn't too many answers to questions you DIDN'T have. In truth, you could always just throw my suggestions out the window and write me the first thing that comes into your head. Anything about the characters mentioned would make me happy.

shine on me



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Oh and... 11:25 (p). 05.17th.2007



Music: Mark Keali'i Ho'omalu and Kamehameha Schools Children's Chorus - He Mele No Lilo

Visual subtext that is made of elephant butt it is so big in Shippuuden 14. And vocal subtext.

And Lee is looking the odd ninja out. Which is dumber than rocks/unfair/just generally makes me go BUT LEEEEEEEEEEEE.

I mean, on the one hand, yeah, the collapsing/half-dead person would be the one to run to rather than the kneeling one. However, the animators didn't have to linger on it. I love Any Team Gai Member x Any Team Gai Member, with the original love being NejiTen, and I still think that's retarded.

However, I found a way to cheer myself up:
there. FIXED. )

1 bright ray of sunlight|shine on me



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[Public Entry] Life as a person with ADHD. (Really, really long.) 12:25 (a). 04.26th.2007



Mood: vulnerable
Music: Fuel - Shimmer (Acoustic)

Ever wondered what it's like being a Ritalin Kid? This is what it's like for me. )

13 bright rays of sunlight|shine on me



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[FST] [Crossposted To FST] With Eyes Turned to the Sun; Or, Seeing Through Hyuugavision 10:51 (p). 03.22nd.2007



Music: Bishop Allen - Ghosts Are Good Company

With Eyes Turned to the Sun; Or, Seeing Through Hyuugavision
An FST for the Hyuuga clan, requested by [info]kaneha.

We all know the Hyuuga. And if we DON'T know the Hyuuga, we should. They're that crazy white-eyed clan with the Byakugan. Call themselves the strongest in the Leaf. They may or may not be the ancestors of the Uchiha clan.

They're also pretty fucked up. The Caged Bird Seal, which allows the Main House to at any time punish or kill members of the Branch House, is only the tip of the iceberg. It's just the most obvious sign of how screwed-up they are.

This FST is pretty fucked up, too. I have selections from artists/composers as different as Uematsu, Sakimoto, Tchaikovsky... and Garbage. Thirty-five songs total, counting the bonus disc. For the most part, these are softer, more melancholy sounds, with leanings toward 'creepy'.

covers )

tracks )

Could not overcome inherent laziness to upload individual files. So here, have the discs zipped at my personal site: disc 1, disk 2, disc 3/bonus

If for any reason the links don't work, head to my FST index folder, over here. The zips are all listed as eyestosun.

4 bright rays of sunlight|shine on me



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I've never been so relieved in my life. 02:41 (p). 03.1st.2007

Ralph's angioplasty turned out fine. He's perfectly healthy. His arteries and everything are totally fine. i know a couple people who prayed and I just want to thank them.

It's just such a relief that it almost doesn't feel real.

It's stomach acid showing up in his chest or something. I don't know exactly. But it's stress and heartache and how much he misses her. And I knew that was what it would be. It's like husbands who go into "sympathy labour pains" or whatever, only this time with a heart attack.

None of this is right. Why should we have to feel this way? Why do we have to get taken apart? Why does our family have to be dismantled like this?

It's been one month and five days, 19 hours, eleven minutes, and just try counting seconds. That's four and a half weeks. Thirty-six days. 888 hours. 51,840 minutes.

Tuesday, 23 January, 19:30.

I just want another hug.

Just one.

No, that's not true.

I want a thousand of them.

cut for length, angst, blah blah blah )

6 bright rays of sunlight|shine on me



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rong_chan: You really wanted to resolve the whole spamming my inbox issue? 12:18 (p). 03.1st.2007

Then tell me you didn't tell any of your RL friends about it.

I'll be honest: when you say you don't know Marthia Lam or Adela Wan, I believe you. I'm just obsessive enough about something like that to have done six different searches. I tend to get that way when something really pisses me off.

The names are nonsense, and the email addresses haven't been used for anything else. Hell, they were smart enough to choose new email addresses that had no connection to addresses of their own. So I can understand that you don't know them.

Unfortunately, they WEREN'T smart enough to hide their IP addresses. When you send over 150 emails, you can bet that sort of information goes ALL OVER the place. It would have been smarter to use new Gmail accounts: gmail generally doesn't record local IP data. In essence, if they'd used gmail, I would only have found the gmail server they used, and not their IP addresses or their ISPs.

But they used Yahoo. And that means I know where they are now. "Marthia Lam" was 67.124.38.167. "Adela Wan" was 68.127.158.144. So they're either two separate people or scripts running on two different computers. At least one of those computers was networked.

Oh, and those IP addresses BOTH trace back in or near Pleasanton, CA. Using Pacbell. "Mathia Lam" further traces to Alameda, near Carlsbad State Beach. "Adela Wan" seems to be in Hayward. I even know her street. All I'll say is, "west of Holy Sepulchre Cemetary and north of Sorensdale Park".

You wouldn't happen to have a couple of RL friends (or maybe just one friend) who helped you out, would you? After all, Pleasanton is... "Near San Francisco, California, United States", isn't it? I'm told it's actually a major suburb of the place. Likes to call itself an "edge city".

Don't worry, I'm not physically threatening you or anything. I'm all the way out in Tennessee. Wandering around San Fransisco suburbs is a bit too much effort, even for a completely flooded inbox.

I guess, in the end, I'd like to see some definite proof that you aren't connected to this at all-- or that you are, and if you are, I'd like an apology, the REAL email addresses, and an explanation of why the hell you did it.




ETA: Note this and this, but note ESPECIALLY this screenshot and this screenshot.

It would seem that [info]rong_chan is "Marthia Lam", aka azn_teen_christian_girl_6@yahoo.com, aka 67.124.38.167. Well, well, well.

20 bright rays of sunlight|shine on me



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Recent events. 11:36 (p). 02.26th.2007

To set up the story, I left the following review to a fic that had been essentially plagiarised:

Uhm. Wow.

You basically plagiarised this fic from an author I know personally. If you were worth the time and effort, I'd report you. Or rip you a new one.

But as I read this, I realised... There's no point. It's actually kind of insulting. I mean, not only has a good friend been ripped off, but she's been ripped off by YOU.

I'll put it this way: you see your crap quality? It's not because you can't write crack. It's because your writing style needs to mature. A lot.

Little hint: OOC is never good. Ever. EVER. No, not even for "crack". There is NO EXCUSE to be OOC.

Feel free to email me, report my fics, or do whatever you desire about this review. I'm saving a copy to my HD, and if you delete it, I'll just write it all over again.

And for god's sake, write more. Write more, and write your OWN ideas. That's the only way you'll mature into a better writer.


I get a reply.

I reply back.

Then I get over a hundred emails in my inbox, from people claiming to be "azn_christian_girl_6@yahoo.com" and "strawberriesanime@yahoo.com".

I'm blaming [info]rong_chan for this one. Considering she's the first person I've been nasty to since, oh, NOVEMBER? I'd say it's pretty reasonable.

8 bright rays of sunlight|shine on me



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RANDOM POLL. 09:00 (p). 11.1st.2006



Music: Widespread Panic - Gradle

Poll #858438 TICKEYBOX, HO'.
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All

Nagia should write for 31_days....

View Answers

Inoten
2 (10.5%)

VY
10 (52.6%)

Gaiten
2 (10.5%)

Nagia shouldn't be writing 31_days, she should be working on Nano, the lazy ho'!
5 (26.3%)

9 bright rays of sunlight|shine on me



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Do I app this or not? 07:57 (p). 10.30th.2006

Alias: Kath
AIM SN: HotVelvetDamn
I am above (or willing to pretend to be above) the age of fifteen: Y
Prior RP experience: blah blah blah blah blah blah

Character Wanted: Yamanaka Ino
What's Wrong With 'Em: Short answer? Schizophrenia, attributable to 1. genetics and 2. her family technique; the jutsu basically fractures the sense of self until the self cannot tell thought from speech, or their native body from the bodies of others. "Which one am I?" and "am I you?" and "this one is hugging her brother, right, or is that me is that this one" are very common questions.

Long answer? The Mind-Body Switch Jutsu passed down in her family is not an advanced blood technique. However, schizophrenia has shown signs of a genetic link, and this lovely family trait makes the lovely family trick easier to perform. Excessive use of the jutsu (as is common in wartime) causes a splintering of one's sense of self. Essentially, identity becomes a nebulous, nearly meaningless concept. To Ino, there is very little difference between what she herself says and what is said to her.

Quick Summary of their Recent History (past six years): When Chouji died, Ino pushed herself forward, volunteering for more missions, actively trying to get her name bumped up. She wanted to be out in the field, getting revenge for her teammate.

It only took six months for the effects to show. It started with disorientation ("I could have sworn I was over there a minute ago"), moved on into moments of severe mental disturbance ("I'm in you. Right now. You don't even know it. You might be me."), and finally the self began to show real signs of splintering. She began to avoid crowds ("I lose track of myself, I forget which one's me and which ones aren't me and I don't know if I'm in anybody"), began to avoid contact with others, but didn't retreat from the field, so all the time, that jutsu was just making things worse.

She is now on permanent leave.

Summary of Their Personality:

On the great days, Ino is very much herself. She can be extremely vain ("I have to be the prettiest, that way I'll know which one's me"-- is she joking, or serious? It's up to the others to decide), she's pushy, she's full of life and laughs and yes, there is something that drives her. She still regulates her diet.

Nobody's ever sure where the line between a good day or a bad day is. She spends the entire day laughing, because it strikes her as funny and sad, how people treat each other, and she knows the truth, you see, about all the differences (or lack of differences) in people because she goes inside people. She's wrong and she's crazy and she's insisting that anybody could be her, she could be anybody, identity is interchangeable-- but she's happy. Is that a good day, or a bad day?

And then there are the days where she's lucid. She knows and understands who and what she is. She will be medicated for the rest of her life. She will never fight beside Shikamaru again, and there is no way that the milkman could ever be Chouji, because people aren't interchangeable. Bodies aren't masks, aren't clothes; you don't wear a body the way you wear shoes. On those days, she's sad and she's screaming and yes, she gets angry. Are those bad days, because they hurt the most, or are they good days, because she's lucid?

The really awful days, though, those are pretty obvious. She doesn't know "which one" she is. She becomes afraid to move, afraid to look around, because what if she sees other people and forgets again? Most of the time, when she's quiet, it's because she thought she already said it; on these days, though, she's quiet because she's afraid of words. She wants neither to speak nor to listen, or to even be in the presence of another person.

Oh yeah, and she's in you. She's in you right now.

Roleplay Sample (At least 100 words):

((Sadly enough, I think all of Ino's scenes will be cracktastic like this.))

The world around her is (is? Was? Will be?) a tilt-a-whirl of faces and bodies. But she is in the one she was born in, she thinks. Maybe. Which ones are moving because the street is carrying them, and which one (ones?) is (are?) moving because she wants it (them) to? Are those her legs (they're good legs, she thinks, if those aren't her legs she should find a way to make her legs look like that) that are moving, or are they somebody else's legs that she is moving for them?

"Ino?" Shikamaru asks, because he's Shikamaru and afraid (she only thinks this; she has no idea if it's really true, true like something you'd write on a mirror, because he hides everything behind his face, hides it so well she wouldn't know even if she was inside him) to ask her if she's okay.

The answer is always no. No, she's not okay, sometimes she forgets that she's Yamanaka Ino and not Haruno Sakura in the Chuunin exams when they were thirteen. Sometimes she thinks the old woman by the noodleshop is Yamanaka Ino, or that she's inside someone when she isn't, and sometimes she laughs and laughs and tells Shikamaru the truth.

"I could be you," she tells him, but she is really telling the world. "I could be you."

His voice and his words are careful. He doesn't want to hurt her any worse (not that she really knows that for true, but she thinks she's right, even if she has no way of knowing). "I know you could."

"I won't, though, because if I'm you, then who's me? And what if I'm not very good at being you? If you're not you, then how will I find you and make you be you again?"

"I don't know," he says, and he has so much, so much, locked up inside his eyes. She can see it all almost poking out and she wants to be inside him so she can make him say it, but if she goes inside him then he won't be there and she'll lose it and then she'll forget what she wanted to do. "I don't know, Ino, so just don't go being me or anybody else anymore, because nobody but Ino would make a good Ino and a bad Ino would--" a pause, these are his words, these are his words and they are just for her, "would be a drag."

And so she promises she'll stay in this one, because who else could be Yamanaka Ino?

6 bright rays of sunlight|shine on me



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Possible Naruto RPG 07:34 (p). 10.24th.2006

[header]
Six years after the end of the Sound War-- the rookie nine are freshly twenty. The ones who survived, anyway.

Konoha has made sacrifices. Sarutobi Asuma. Maito Gai. Aburame Shino. Tsunade. Countless others whose names you might not recognize.

The surivors are bent and broken. Sanity has eroded. Bodies hurt.

But there is hope. Time passes. Bodies heal, fear fades, grief eases.

"We are bent and we are broken, but we are growing, and we will be whole again."


[plot]
The basic idea of this game is to take a Naruto character, break them by any means (be that grief, stunting them emotionally, mental trauma, or massive physical injury). And then fix them. Realistically. No healing sex, no magical catharsis that makes everything go away.

[Rules]

Good ideas:
01.Writing in Standard English.
02. Being respectful of other players. In-character, being an asshole (or a Hyuuga, same thing) is fine. But when we're not gaming, you'd better not be a jackass. I have a Modbat, and I will use it.
05. Being active. I'm not saying you have to participate in every thread, or that you have to post a scene every two weeks. But don't just join, locking a character, and then do nothing with him. That's not fair to the players whose characters have relationships with yours, and it's not fair to other people who might want to join as your character.
06. Keeping OOC stuff in the OOC community
07. Having a character journal. You don't need a separate AIM for your character.
08. Being 16 or older. These characters are going to be messed up, and there may be adult situations. Exposing people under 16 to that gives me a queasy feeling and could well be illegal.
09. Accepting the fact that this game is het, yuri, and yaoi friendly. Keep


Bad ideas
01. Writing in leet. I will hit you in the knees with the Bat of Modly Power.
02. Godmodding in-game. You'll have enough to deal with in your own character, no need to play anybody else's.
03. Twinking or godplaying. Your character is not God, Chuck Norris, or anybody else of cosmic or nearly-cosmic power. These characters are all broken and hurting in some fashion. EVERYBODY has a handicap. That's the point of the game.
04. Posting things other than logs and threads to the main community will get your posts deleted.
05. Joining with a personal journal. I will remove you from the community and ask that you join with a character journal.
06. "Healing sex". It may not be conscious, but if your character gets sexed up and suddenly isn't so badly broken anymore, that is healing sex, and it is bad.

[Gameplay]

This game is primarily an AIM/thread game, with journal entries, and possibly a weekly (mandatory) chat in IRC.

Shino, Anko, Naruto, and other characters listed as "presumed dead" are playable-- but how they're discovered or manage to crawl back to Konoha after six years is your problem, not mine.

1 bright ray of sunlight|shine on me



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[RP] There is something so very wrong, and yet so very RIGHT about this... 12:46 (a). 10.21st.2006

If you look at it one way, it's 18th century Paris. Tea was pretty damn common. It was the drink of the civilised. Well, tea or coffee, and 'zashi is partial to TEA, because HE IS A HYUUGA.

....on the other hand, you could also say that this is incontrovertible proof that 99.9% of fandom RPers are female. We have a bunch of really awesome characters who totally should be beating each other up, and what are they doing? They're drinking tea together in a garden. And discussing Rousseau and philosophy and socially constructed rules, but mostly, they are drinking tea.

I'm going to die.




ETA. No, I'm not ragging on this scene. Hell, I started it. As should be pretty damn obvious. I just find it funny.

shine on me



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FST: The Sacred Simplicity of You At My Side 10:54 (p). 10.8th.2006

The Sacred Simplicity Of You At My Side: A NejixTenten FST

FST I spent today making. Prelim version. )

7 bright rays of sunlight|shine on me



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September 5, 2001. 01:34 (p). 09.5th.2006



Music: Jay Chou - Ni Lin

"I don't care where we live as long as he's not there."

"....he hurt you, didn't he?"




The truth is, I'm not entirely sure I have the date right. Those were some hectic, crazy times. New school, new life, moving out of his house. Dates just didn't seem important; I'm pretty sure we got Si on 7 September-- it was the Friday before 9-11. I think.

He took me to see Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon in the Bijou theater, once. I didn't watch much of the movie; the only scene I remember is when that one girl jumps off the cliff, and it just sort of shows her falling through the clouds, and whether she survived or not was up to the viewer. I think. I'd forgotten my glasses and thought that the subtitles were retarded (not that I could see them) and he was there beside me, being even more distracting.

He bought me a video game called Oni. It was supposed to be played on..... some console, and he bought me the PC version and a game guide. I never DID get it to work on his computer. Hah, I technically still have that computer. Somewhere. Wow.

I won't say he spoiled me. He didn't. But he would do random things like that-- randomly take me to things he thought I'd like, or buy me stuff, or just generally show favor. I'm pretty sure it was his way of making up for everything.

The very first time I ever played Final Fantasy VIII, I had just gotten my PS, and I sat there, watching the opening scenes going "O_O THIS IS SO COOL" with him right there next to me. Touching me.




"Uhhh, Mom, in the movie? He kinda, uhm, took off his pants." "Ohmigod is that true?"

*twenty minutes later*

"God, you scared me. He just ate too much and popped the button on his jeans, that's all." "...I'm pretty sure he--" "--He just ate too much and popped the button on his jeans."




"I didn't say anything after that because I thought you were happy. I never knew he, you know."

Translation: I didn't say anything after that because there was no point. I didn't really notice him hitting you because I had my own shit to deal with.

"I stayed because I thought you were happy. I thought you needed a Dad."

Translation: I stayed because staying was easy, and leaving would be hard, and it would mean I was really on my own again and really a single mom and that I failed us both and I didn't know where to go because everything would have been knew if I'd left.






Just reserving this date in my memory.

5 bright rays of sunlight|shine on me



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A better, more clear, more INTELLIGENT explanation of why I like Yuffentine. 03:50 (p). 12.23rd.2005



Music: Hoobastank - The Reason

I'm a YVer, damnit! )

13 bright rays of sunlight|shine on me



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A better translation, for flamika 11:06 (p). 11.19th.2005



Mood: happy
Music: Garbage - Only Happy When it Rains

Mein Leben dreht sich,
My life spins its wheels
so monoton und still,
so boring and silent
und zeichnet dabei einen Kreis,
It draws there a circle
Kreis der Ewigkeit
A circle of forever.

Ich kann dem Gefühl nicht entgehn,
I can't miss this feeling
ich sei ein dauerhafter Gast
I am a guest who refuses to leave [lit: durable]
Das Gold dieser Welt ist nichts wert,
This world's gold is worthless
verbrennt meine Haut
It burns my skin.

Refrain:
Wie weit muss ich gehen,
How far must I go
um zu sehen, dass die Nacht ein Ende sucht
to see that night is endless? [lit: seeks/looks for an end]
Wie viel muss ich geben
How much must I give away
um zu fühlen - bin ich denn verflucht?
in order to feel-- am I yet damned?

Will ich's wagen, ist es gut,
Will I dare, is it right
oder bin ich doch verflucht?
or am I STILL damned?

Why am I sad?
Why am I sad?
Will I have more, than I ever had?

this bit is a random bit of Denglish, I think. One doesn't question one's desires.

Mein Leben ist einsam
my life is lonely
Ich bin zu schwach, um aufzustehn
I am too weak to stand up
Gestreckt auf dem Boden, liege ich.
I lie stretched on the ground
Der Himmel ist zu schwer
The sky is too heavy [lit: hard/sharp].

Meine eigenen Regeln sind mein Feind,
My own rules are my enemies
wie die Trägheit in mir
like my lazyness
und etwas zu ändern ist so schwer
And it's so hard to change things
Ein Krieg, den ich verlier'
There's a war inside me
And I lose it.


Refrain:
Wie weit muss ich gehen,
How far must I go
um zu sehen, dass die Nacht ein Ende sucht
to see that the night is endless
Wie viel muss ich geben
How much must I give away
um zu fühlen - bin ich denn verflucht?
In order to feel - or am I yet damned?

Wie groß ist die Sehnsucht,
How large is this longing
die mich treibt - verlier ich meinen Mut?
that drives me? Have I lost my courage?
Soll ich mich ergeben oder leben?
Should I give up, or live?
Das Leben nach der Flut
This life left by the tide. [lit: after the tide]

Will ich's wagen, ist es gut,
Will I dare, is it right
oder bin ich doch verflucht?
or am I STILL damned?

2 bright rays of sunlight|shine on me



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Why YV is better than VT. 11:09 (a). 10.26th.2005

cut for length. )

38 bright rays of sunlight|shine on me